Old Flame - Cole Mohr

I used to have a severe model crush on this boy Cole Mohr.

Stumbled upon his photo and those days came flooding into my mind.

I suppose what attracted me so much back then was his effortlessness and open-minded vibe - where he used humor to face the world cos he never held anything too tightly to his heart.

It's still beautiful now, but I no longer craze over that. 

I thank him for the doors he had opened in my little mind. 

Yes I was that crazy teenager in her poorly colour-coordinated uniform, wearing makeshift post-it earrings with his name on it. 

Gosh. 

Has anyone ever felt the urge to go back to the past and hit yourself on the head before?

Thai military base and a deadly accident

Few months ago I had a very memorable 9-day trip to Phuket and it became a trip that I WILL NEVER forget.

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We missed our flight on the first day and had to buy the earliest flight for the next day. Right after we washed up upon arrival in our resort, we went to take a look around the Phuket island on our bike. 

Halfway through it started drizzling, so we wanted to get back asap and chosen to take a shortcut through the mountains. It was super foggy and the roads were very winding. 

This is not taken by me, I got it from Tumblr. Later I'll explain about the photos.

At one point, we had to stop to literally brace ourselves because there was a steep downhill followed by an immediate uphill. The worse thing? There were A LOT OF WILD DOGS HOWLING in the distance though we saw none of them. 

We ignored a lot of 'No Entry' sign along the way because seriously this is Thailand, where maximum speed and dedicated lanes are just advisory. 

The fog got even denser as we got up the hill and out of no where. This appeared.

Not taken by me. This is how thai soldiers look like. 

a Thai military guard standing at a gate

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with a huge ass rifle

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emerging slowly and eerily out of the fog 

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stopping his pace and staring hard at us

I immediately realised we could be in deep deep shit. Like knee-deep shit. Thai military is something you will NEVER want to mess with. I switched on my 'Tourist' mode, swung my camera in front, put on my best apologetic and lost smile, and signaled to him that we would u-turn asap. 

He didnt move throughout and even though we were like 10m away from him, I couldnt even see his face through all the fog and his mask.

I was still digesting the the fact that we nearly escaped a trespassing prosecution and trying to sneak a photo of the military camp with my camera when I suddenly heard my boy saying, 

"DEAR I CANNOT CONTROL THE BRAKES!!!"

we were going down downhill at that moment. 

My mind went blank.

Next moment we crashed into a wall and I was surprised to still be able to feel my limbs and stand up. I froze for a moment because I thought my boyfriend might be unconscious or he might be.....Then I heard him groaned and I was granted instant relief. 

I took this photo for insurance sake. The bike was flown into the drain and thankfully he was wearing helmet that day cos he flew into the drain as well. I was unexpectedly calm, I wrapped his bleeding wound with my cardigan, then we dragged out the bike and decided to proceed down the mountain. 

We didnt even dare to throttle and just let the bike glided as we go downhill, while holding the brakes tightly. Halfway through we passed by a restaurant and we asked for help. They sent us to the clinic nearby, brought us back for a meal, and sent us (together with our bike) back to our hotel again in the night. 

 It was a super pretty treehouse restaurant with a even prettier view. I took some photos there but this crumbled namecard is all that I have now.

This was my very scratched leg. My injuires were much better than his because he had the rider and had to endure a greater impact :(

I cried when I saw his knee like this the first time that night, because it was THAT scarier. 

On a funnier note, because it was on the knee and he had troubled with bending especially with his long pants (which he had to wear as he resumed work after we got back), he resorted to WEARING A FREAKING BOWL on his knee to protect the wound from tearing hahahahah!!! 

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The weird thing is, I somehow lost ALL the photos taken that day except for the ones I posted above. The first roll of film I used somehow couldnt manage to develop ONLY the ones taken on that day, the other roll got overexposed entirely. The photos in my digital camera  also miraculously disappeared and the phuket photos inside only start with our day two. 

Now I am embracing that fact that some memories are best not to be kept as physical photos, there must be a reason why all these coincidences happened. I was properly not meant to see that photos that day. My boy said the same thing as well, as he recalled how the brake managed to work perfectly right after the accident, but it was as if non-existent during that few fateful seconds. "It feels like something is trying to harm us but yet something else is trying to save us at the same time", he said.

I rather believe in that "something that is trying to save us". 

What a trip.

UPDATE (08/03/2015): I managed to find the missing memory card with the photos! They are here.

At the end of the day, we are still blessed with very beautiful memories. 

And that's more than enough.

爸爸去哪儿 (Daddy Where Are We Going)

This is what I've been up to for the passed few days (totally avoiding the revision of my last two papers instead).

It is basically a Chinese reality show, called 爸爸去哪儿 (Daddy Where Are We Going) where the celebrity dads bring their kids to experience a short trip together with other dads and kids for every episode. The girl in the video is one of my favourites (SUPERRR CUTEEEEE!!) and she is 曹格's younger child. 

It sounds like a very simple show but I have to say it has unexpectedly made me feel emotions more than what I've expected to. Not only it stirs up reminiscence of my childhood, gives me a clearer understanding of parenting, and also makes me question my current state of maturity. 

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Everyone has their favourite and it's really not difficult to love them cos they all appeared to be so innocent and lovable. 

BUT

Sometimes they would show a side of them that you'd never expected to be even present in that little angelic being. It is ugly, it is selfish, it is unreasonable, it is annoying, it is inconsiderate, it is evil. At times like this, I find myself so disappointed in them that I started to dislike them quite a fair bit. 

BUT BUT

When I saw subsequently how the fathers tried to teach them patiently why what they've done was wrong, and how they guiltily realised that and apologized in tears, my heart went all softy soft again. 

I feel so ashamed that I didnt think of teaching them like the fathers did, but instead, chose to deny them the chance to learn by judging them and defining them by their mistakes. It's not like I didn't make a single mistake when I was a child myself, I probably made even more mistakes than them. :(

It was amazing to see how the fathers never felt any bit of negativity towards their kids no matter how horrible the mistakes appeared to be, it's really IN YOUR FACE how parents will ALWAYS continue loving their children NO MATTER WHAT THEY TURNED OUT TO BE.

That's the most touching thing I learnt from this show. It is cliche to the most cliche drawer of the cliche house, but watching it with your own eyes from all perspective is a whole new different thing.

Kids are genius and precious in their own ways, but many a times, they are also a mirror for their own parents.

All the kids deserves love, becos they have no hate in them.

Invention of Google Depreciates The Value of A Degree

On first thought, it seems it's true that Google does depreciates the value of a university degree.

Or does it?

Half a century ago, a degree implied about the ability to carry out and contribute to scientific research, as well as profound analysis to shed new insights on current issues. 

But it is so different now. 

I'm not saying the statement doesn't hold ANY truth now. It still does, but it is a fact that it has been much diluted because we all know that the MAJORITY of us will never generate any scientific research or analysis that is of any more value than those readily available on Google Scholar. 

I used to question the use of high school education, where we cracked our asian brains on alien-looking mathematical annotations and scanning through those piles of theories/histories/principles/application examples. Now I can better appreciate them because even though it's still true that most of us will never use differentiation nor integration in our actual life, those practices structured my logical thinking and exercised my brain as a whole.

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But what abt now?

I dont even think I can justify my university education with those reasons. Everything seems like I'm just doing it for the sake of doing it. I choose my courses STRATEGICALLY to ace the desired GPA; I memorise word by word --- trust me, sometimes english words are fully capable of disguising as ancient latin --- example by example just because our exams are marked based on KEY WORDS; I  have been told a millions times by our professors that "things are totally different when you enter the real world as you realised whatever you've learnt might not apply at all".

I'm not complaining, because it makes things much easier for me to get my degree with such system in placed. But sometimes I wondered what kind of education I would otherwise get with these years of time and thousands of money.

Such thoughts are especially amplified after watching Big Hero 6 a few days ago (me being an animation cray). I am so envious of these guys in the movie, where their extensive knowledge can actually become a skill that is so capable of creating change and impact. Of course, both science and arts education have such ability, but I fail to relate to neither with my own.

Now excuse me as I go for my nap. 

I woke up at 430am today (of which I had a 9am paper) because I literally studied half of a core module in the span of 2 hours last night. It sounds so ridiculous that it can't even be passed as one of those 'omg look how little I've studied I'm so gonna fail' claims.

I have zero intention to brag but you know what? I'm still gonna pass this module with at least a 'B' because I've been living in this system long enough to figure out how to survive. One-day effort of memorizing, that's the worth of a 'B' now. 

Cut Me Open and Sew Me Up Baby

Hey what's up. 

I've got stitches up my chin that's what's up.

Okay disclaimer: I'm actually allergic to blurry and low quality Samsung front camera pictures, but I really don't want my HD camera (whose name is Benjamin btw) to traumatize you with the lurid details of my stitch. 

Now let me give you the story.

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So once upon a time, the paranoid protagonist observed there was a lump of growth at the edge of her chin. What was worrying is that it had been growing in size over the years. The last straw was her observing another spot just above it to be growing as well. She had often heard her mum saying that the mouth area is a 'danger triangle zone'; it sounds drama and all but she properly meant it has many nerves there or smth. 

So after much hesitation, I decided to just get rid of it once and for all. I went to the doctor in National Skin Centre and after some poking and scrutinizing, the diagnosis was INTRADERMAL MELANOCYTIC NAEVUS. I promised these would be the only uncomprehendable English words that ever grace this blog. 

Anyway, she told me I would properly have to undergo INCISION, which with my very poor demand of English translated into 'okay so a sharp object or knife and some poking/slicing actions will most likely be involved'.

Boy I was wrong.  

On the day of surgery (19th Nov), I heard the word 'SEW' for the first time when the doctor came in to brief me and my mind went blank from there. I laid down onto the bed and after two injections of localised anesthetic (where I was tightly squeezing the poor hands of a very kind nurse throughout). My lower lips started to feel weird and suddenly I GOT A GREEN CLOTH COVERING MY FACE! 

I WENT LIKE: OMG. WHY NEED TO COVER MY EYESSSS... *shaky voice*

DOCTOR: This is our procedure, dont worry you still breathe properly

My fear meter exploded at that very second.

It's like YOU JUST DONT GO AROUND COVERING A PERSON'S EYES WHEN YOU HAVE CUT THEIR FACE UP.

I properly looked like the above, but trust me, I felt more like this:

So I totally froze and my heart went racing.

And then I started to feel BEING CUT (harmonized by the crisp cutting sound from scissors ) and a BEING SEWN SENSATION. 

guys, you would never understand this fear unless you go through it yourself. 

I was trying hard not to faint and distracting myself by making a mental note to start exercising soon cos now I am certain I dont ever want to go through cesarean in the future. I was also busy cancelling out my long accumulated desire to get a nose job COS NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO SEW ME UP AGAIN!!!

When it's done and I was given a mirror to look at it, I just cried. Though it's more like blinking hard to get my tears back, cos you dont want to be remembered as a wailing 23-yr-old by the 5-7 people in the room. Then the doctor asked me if I wish to send the tissue for further examination and she showed me this PINKISH LUMP OF FLESH OF A FINGERNAIL SIZE. 

Imagine raw chicken breast meat 

Now add more blood to it.

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Now the trauma is over. And the cut and the stitches actually look quite neat to me.

I'm glad I made the decision to get this worry off my mind but I wont ever forget my first experience of bring sewn. UGH. 

If you want to take a close look, here it is.

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I am giving you lots of lines here to avoid having to stare at a detailed picture of the stitches. So please leave now if you are not into sewn human flesh. 

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okay. 

still gross now.

If Halloween is a week/month-long festive, I could have easily go out without a plaster and get 'most realistic makeup' award.

Yea I Turn 23

So hey, I've turned 23 on last Friday and I was once again, overwhelmed with surprise and gracefulness by the loves I was showered with, despite being a rather difficult person to love.

I think I've grown so much in the passed one year, in fact I could easily say it was one of the most. I lost many but I've gained more in return.

One of the most precious thing I've learnt this year is letting go. To let go is to stay true and be brave for yourself. I've yet to master it of course, but I'm glad I've at least started somewhere.

This was me on my birthday last year in Berlin, for a cosy dinner with my dearest friend in a super home-liked restaurant tucked in a dark alley.

How lucky I am, to be surrounded by my loved ones and laughters for all my birthdays.  And ofc, red wine as well. 

Thank you all for loving me. It makes me want to become a better person just for you.

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On a side note, I've also learnt to be a rude bitch to people who dont deserve kindness and politeness at all and what could better illustrate this than an incident that had happened ytd. 

 

So this random guy got my number somewhere and sent me a video out of the blue. I didn't download that video cos I was nearing my data usage limit (First World Problem I know) so I just wanted to check if it's really someone I know.

Mum would have said I shouldn't have wasted my time talking to him at all, but I really cant stand the thought of these fucktards living around and trying to spread their foulness. After I sent my last msg and blocked him, I panicked for a second and thought what if he had really genuinely sent to the wrong number by mistake (though he's still poor in his logical thinking). So I downloaded the video after connecting to wifi (I. .. I don't know I just feel that I have to explain this to show that my previously mentioned FWP is true) and BINGO it was a random movie clip of an old man humping some naked statues. 

God, these fucktards. 

They dont even deserved to have their number censored here. 

The How to Happiness

There are always these few days every month (especially girls) where you just feel so out of reach of happiness. It's like everywhere you look you see everyone else twirling around in their happy skirts, posting on Instagram telling the world how #happy and #blessed they are.

And then there's you - Feeling like a failure in every aspect of life and somehow shit things jussst had to occur more frequently during these times.

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You lost your stuff. You craved for fatty food but felt all greasy afterwards. You argued with your family. Your tons of deadlines suddenly closed in altogether. Your favourite drama got boring. Your skin went downhill. You met strange and rude people on the streets. You started to get sick.

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ok you got me right. 

I used to think this only happens to me, but after a good 22 years (No my birthday is not here YET so dont count it as 23) in this world, I can almost be certain EVERYONE felt like this before and still feels that way every now and then. 

YOU ASKED WHY.

Because this is life. It's not a never-ending upward escalator, which is engineeringly impossible. 

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And Google (omg I didn't know Google has such a weird colour combi. It's like the guy had stopped trying to think of new colours after orange and the boss happened to check on him after G so he tried again with L, but then gave up altogether at E again. Seriously. Google you should have invested in a qualified colorist) And ✓spell-check you can go ahead and put all your ugly little wobbly red lines under my 'engineeringly'. It IS a WORD if readers can understand it PERFECTLY so who are you to suggest me to change that to 'SNEERINGLY' and 'LINGERINGLY'. Imagine how smarty-panty (again I deem smarty-panty more adjective-like than merely 'smarty-pants') I would sound if I were to listen to you and come across a depressed suicidal guy one day on a rooftop and I were to tell him 'HEY! Life cannot be a never-ending upward escalator because it is SNEERINGLY impossible. Are you seriously trying to make me confuse a suicidal guy Google????

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Ok let's go back.

The truth is, there are only this much of times that you can mentally convince or do little things for yourself to be happy, but other subjects (people, pets, activities) can easily make you much happier instantly. The reason is simply because we are wired as social animals from the beginning, our share of happiness can only be magnified when shared with members of our community. 

With that said, you need a healthy balance between both personal and social happiness (that's what I coined them) and any disequilibrium will --> sense of emptiness --> start of unhappiness. 

Omg. I didn't know I've lived that long to have figured out the balance of happiness. I thought I was just bullshitting but I think I actually made sense. Is that how I've been surviving my education all along?

Anyway here we go. For the following, I will go through some of the things I do to cheer myself and as for the social happiness, you JUST have to get yourself out and meet your friends.
Everything else will come naturally. 

Personal Happiness

• Write something. Letters, diaries, poems. Hand-written is the best because somehow it will make things feel really special

• Listen to classical music everyday. My mum asked me to do this in her letter to me when I turned twenty-one. Yes she's cute like that. I always go for Ludovico Einaudi - Una Mattina.It doesn't make me super cheery flower-throwing and all, but I always feel very very calm in my heart after listening to it. Try listening to it in a dark quiet room by yourself, the healing effect is really amazing. On a side note, try making yourself some tea as well. My favourite now is TWG Black Tea with a slice of lemon. So so lovely :)

• Read a (comical) book. Reading is always magical to me, though I am totally guilty of my poor consistency.

My favourite book so far this year is Let's Pretend This Never Happened, an autobiography that almost gave me courage to fully embrace my weirdness because I didn't know it could be such a treasure in today's world, where everyone is encouraged to behave and think the same.

 If you prefer fiction, you might want to try Where'd You Go, Bernadette, its totally chic cover is an instant mood-booster. 

• Cook a meal for yourself and your loved ones. Even if it's only mediocre, the eating will make you happy. Or if that's too much effort, try making something simple and pretty.

Tumblinbumblincrumblincookie (Yes quite a mouthful I know) is my favourite food-instagrammer for the moment and you can check out her beautiful blog here. Get ready to fall in love. 

• Shopping.

I didn't believe this either, cos I always brand myself as a non-superficial female individual whose mood will not be easily lifted just because of a material gain. BUT NAH IT'S NOT TRUE. I am an equally superficial girl at heart apparently and I believe all girls have that side to them, just of varying degree.

Go out and hunt for your clothes/cosmetics/bags/shoes, or if town is too far for you, go do some online digging. Just remember not to splurge or buy things you wont actually use in the future. 

• Sleep early. Wake up early.

Sleep early (e.g. Before 1130pm) and wake up early (e.g. before 730am). Sufficient sleep makes you less grumpy and an early day makes you more productive. You ever wonder why you were so much happier as kid? Maybe that's part of the reason.

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Hopefully you will find this useful at one of those days and I know me myself will definitely refer back to this post frequently as well. It more or less ends here and actually everything I said has been said before somewhere else. 

The rule is: you just have to STOP being grumpy at the world and at yourself, just start doing ONE THING from this list.



May you be happy.