My Aspiration

For many weeks, I couldn't seem to feel my spirit. I know I sound incredibly hipster-ish saying things like this, but to the depth of my heart I swear that it is the closest depiction I can muster to describe whatever that I was feeling.

Probably due to the immense amount of introspection and self-reflection that were bursting inside my head as triggered by the annual birthday reminder of how yet another year of my life has passed, this feeling has gotten worse in recent days. To such an extent that I couldn't seem to be able receive the words of my lover completely - it was as if his words were literally bouncing off my skin - and I couldn't be truly present during the conversations with my friends.

Once again, I was starting to feel lost about life because I saw no directions on my compass.That's when I knew I had to address the elephant in the room, and that is what is it that I really aspire to do with my life at this point of time? 

After a good few hours, I found my exact answer in a serendipitous search that led me to Zach Ingrasci's words: 

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To pursue the intersection of the creative arts, business and sustainable development.

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The omission of any of the three components in the work that I do will thenceforth make that seed of dissatisfaction sprout in my heart, slowly eating my spirit away, leaving me in unalive and unhappy.

I do not know how to tell you how important this realization is to me. It's like I have truly, finally found the words to answer the question of "So, what is it that you wish to do?". There are only these few essential questions to a person's life and this is easily tops the list in many cases. 


I then went to check out on Ingrasci's notable documentary: Living On One (Full video here).

 

Here's a trailer of it

Though in my opinion, this film could have been made with the objective to promote microfinancing (particularly to show (exaggerate?) the impact of it by Grameen Trust) since one of its directors had worked for them before, it still managed to provide me with the much needed reminder that life has so so much more to my current petty dissatisfaction with my circumstances. 

Questionable agendas aside, it was a very direct documentary where you can actually feel life itself hitting you in the face. The kind of life you thought you know about because you had read it in the newspapers, the kind of scenery that you had imagined your dream hut was built on, the kind of simplicity that could just move you to your tears. 

And last but not least, I admire that flaming spirit of the directors.

Today I found the exact words to my aspiration.

Today shall thus be a day to be remembered. 

Remembering my 23rd year

2015 is not just a year of time, it is a collection of immense changes and intense happenings.

Oh, where shall I even begin with.

I took a look at my bye-22nd-oh-hello-23rd post last year, and immediately felt like I have aged at least two years from then. (It's quite a bargain isn't it, gathering 2 years' worth of lessons and hopefully wisdom in the spam of 1 year. Heh)

But nonetheless, I would hold my heart in my palm, and tell you that my 23rd year in this world is the year that I start feeling proud of myself. Not because I have evolved into a rational thinker - oh god, the truth couldn't be further from that - but because I finally allowed me to be honest with myself.

I removed people from my life whose companionship was nothing but ill-intended and toxic in nature, and also let go of those half-hearted ones who always drift in and out of my life as and when they feel like it. Ultimately, I just entirely stopped being 'okay' with people treating me shit. It felt like my world shrank quite a bit, but I like myself so much more now.

2015 is the year of love.

I have learnt and experienced so so many dimensions and facets to love, so much that it feels like I have traveled half the world and seen so much of the life that I did not know have existed before. One thing I know for sure, there are only more to come in my 24th year. This year I followed my heart, I hope I would remember to do so for all the years in the rest of my life. I wish everyone will get to know love at one point of their lives, because seriously, I can't think of anything else that is more important than that. 

After incrementally mastering the art of not giving much fuck year by year, I've finally come to a state right now that I am just not fearful of losing anything anymore. The realization that I will always be strong enough to lift myself up no matter the circumstances forms very much the basis of all my liberation and confidence. 

So thank you 23rd self, you have done a good job. In fact, the best so far. Thank you for being so frank to your life, to the limited precious life that you have, thank you for allowing yourself to struggle to hesitate to listen to lose to wrong to rebel to be alone to accept to break to bloom to heal, and to love.

 Because of you, I am ready to be 24.  

Thank you. I will be the best of you, for you.